Heya! I just wanted to, again, thank the lovely DBZchick for her awesome generosity in giving me (and another person, at that) a one-year sub on DA!! <3 <3 <3 Isn’t she just so nice? ♥ (I know she wasn’t looking for so much public praise in return, but I can’t help it XD). It’s not an obligation; it’s of my own free will though, therefore it’s more significant!!… Right? :0 RIGHT! XD XD… Annywayyysss… lolz.
I’ve been an interesting person in the last few months… er… more like a year… or so…
That is an understatement for being so upside-down and backwards in my thinking that I was even amusing myself with my own destructive thoughts… XD There, that’s more accurate, lol…
SO, I can give you a quick run-down (if you care to read this; I just need to get out a personal declaration of a sort).
Btw, before I begin, I just finished The Hunger Games: Mockingjay (as an audiobook). It was really good, but, very sad! Though, I think I needed to read it.
As a story-writer, I can kind of understand this too:
“18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. 19 One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?” 20 But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” 21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? 22 What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction?” ~Romans 9: 18-22
I was feeling very bitter and angry toward God, and just my surroundings in general (I hated people and myself, among other things…). “Why am I in this position?” I thought. “Why does nothing ever seem to go right?” But then, I kind of reflected upon my past thoughts in the last year or so.
I’d become very idolatrous.
This means that I’ve been “worshiping” idols– things, people, places, anything else– instead of the one, true God. Now, now, if you are going to retort back to me in your disbelief, please either 1.) Keep it to yourself. 2.) Let me know how you feel, though don’t expect to convince me.
I will now continue.
When there is something that I know I should be doing and do not do it, it comes back to haunt me. Anything, from drawing something I should be drawing, or helping someone in need, or even thinking a certain way I know I should–but don’t– think… it always catches up with me. (James 4:17) And in this past year of reflection, I’ve finally figured out why. Call it karma if you want; whatever it is, I call it divine retribution, or rebuking. There is only so much you can do before it comes back to haunt you. If you’ve realized your mistakes, and don’t take the time to correct it, it will be even worse than if you didn’t realize it and were punished for it. (Luke 12:47-48) All in all, I knew that something was wrong; I knew I was idolizing things, but it never occurred to me how to change it, or that I needed to seek help. I thought it would go away all on its own. Not only that, I did not realize the depth of idol worship that I had been doing. I had become blinded by what I believed my idols would do for me– what I THOUGHT would make me “happy” once I got them. But, boy, was I fooled.
“Nana…how come being happy and making your dreams come true are two different things? Even now, I still don’t know why…” ~Nana Komatsu (Nana manga)
I feel like I’m beginning to understand it now… I don’t totally get it, but I’m beginning to understand.
They are just empty promises; promises grounded on sand rather than solid ground; promises that can break and shatter at any moment. Who ever promises that, with wealth, brings everlasting freedom, or that no one can ever take it away? Who ever promises that your “love”– that you devoted your entire life and heart to– will never fade into nothingness? How can we build our faith and happiness on our dreams, after all? Who says (for example), that even if I did sell a million comics (hypothetically), that I couldn’t lose as many fans that I’d gained just as quickly? You see it happening all around you, right? Stars and celebrities (even internet celebrities) that gain fame and lose it just as quickly– if not, quicker– than how they’ve obtained it. People driving themselves into starvation for the purpose of composing the “right” body image, and going mad when they find that it’s unattainable, unless by developing a permanent sickly status. (Well, eventually, you won’t be sickly. You will be dead.)
But isn’t that just like anything else though? Eventually, our cravings for these temporary, replaceable pleasures will only starve us, always leaving us wanting more, more MORE. It never satisfies; it never COMPLETELY takes away our unhappiness. In the dead of the night, in the minutes before breathing your last breath, will the worries of those even matter in the end? What will truly matter to you then? What you wore to your homecoming? What you ate for breakfast before ‘that’ big day? What dates you went on? Those– used to be believed– “unrecoverable” bad days you used to have?
Life goes on, doesn’t it…? What should really matter? What about saying what you want to say; the stories that YOU want to say– despite the wanted recognition and/or monetary result that you want? What about helping to improve the life of another person? What about loving someone– your family, a stranger, your friends– here and now? What will really matter? (Loving God and others, of course!)
I know that people who don’t believe in God– or anything ‘solid’ and unchanging for that matter (except ‘change’, itself) will not understand, nor try to. Don’t worry; I do understand where you may be coming from. (I will never be able to completely understand, but I can see why you would not believe.) After all, people have been distorting God’s words in the bible, and using it for their own selfish purposes for years and years. The distortion is inevitable. However, we have the free will to choose what we want to believe. You wouldn’t want someone to love you out of compulsion anyway, would you? But I also believe in the basic facts and principles about this world.
Especially when I see this world in such chaos, it is very unsettling to think that God is just “letting” this happen. But, then again, I think about people’s free wills. If we didn’t have them, we would just be robots. WE have the choice to make the world a better, more richer place, OR we also have the choice to make it into a destructive, suicidal place. The choice is indeed ours, but we need to ACTIVELY EXERCISE the GOOD in us in order to rule out/even out the BAD in others. There is NO way to erase the darkness in the world without lighting a light. You can’t battle darkness with darkness!
Anyway… I will just say that in these unstable times, it truly is God who never changes. God is my rock. But how do I know? Maybe you think it’s because I’m crazy? Maybe you think it’s very stupid to believe in something/someone that is invisible (in the normal way we see anybody, anyway). But since everything we CAN see is temporary (just name it), I’d like to believe that what we cannot see is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18)
Faith is called faith for a reason though. Blind faith, I do not believe. I need reasons. But I see them when my eyes and ears are open to them. (Matthew 13:11-17) Otherwise, I feel the world is a dreadful, unhappy place. Again, we have a choice– to see the world in darkness or to see the world in light. If parts ARE dark, what will you do? Sit there and moan or mope about it? Or will you let your light shine onto it? If it is light, will you expose your own personal darkness onto it, thereby inevitably affecting someone else by your negative shadowed world? It is your choice.
Before I finish, I just want to say thank you to DBZchick again for her gift of generosity. I was feeling very down. Ready to give up; not really minding if I had died (Would anything be different for me then? But I would never commit suicide since I knew God does not like murderers…); but then someone’s light affected me. The simplest acts of kindness can often go unnoticed (by people), but even so, it can make a huge difference in the world. No matter what we do– whether it’s good or bad, the world will feel your light or darkness. It DOES affect everyone else, no matter how much of a small island you want to live on. It will not go unnoticed forever. If EVERYONE decided to constantly commit acts of kindness, how do you think the world would look? So I/we need to stop blaming God for “letting this happen”. WE are letting this happen!!
So if you DO want the world to become a better place, it’s about time to see what you can do to light it up, right? For every act of evil in the world, perhaps do an act of kindness. God does work many wonders THROUGH us too. We have a spirit with a conscience. In this bleak and dark-ridden world, it will remind people that there is “some good in this world, after all.” :) And, boy, do we all need reminders…! :)