Hola!~ (after so long…) Here’s some thoughts…

Heya! I just wanted to, again, thank the lovely DBZchick for her awesome generosity in giving me (and another person, at that) a one-year sub on DA!! ❤ ❤ ❤ Isn’t she just so nice? ♥ (I know she wasn’t looking for so much public praise in return, but I can’t help it XD). It’s not an obligation; it’s of my own free will though, therefore it’s more significant!!… Right? :0 RIGHT! XD XD… Annywayyysss… lolz.

I’ve been an interesting person in the last few months… er… more like a year… or so…

That is an understatement for being so upside-down and backwards in my thinking that I was even amusing myself with my own destructive thoughts… XD There, that’s more accurate, lol…

SO, I can give you a quick run-down (if you care to read this; I just need to get out a personal declaration of a sort).
Btw, before I begin, I just finished The Hunger Games: Mockingjay (as an audiobook). It was really good, but, very sad! Though, I think I needed to read it.

As a story-writer, I can kind of understand this too:

“18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. 19 One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?” 20 But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” 21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? 22 What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction?” ~Romans 9: 18-22

I was feeling very bitter and angry toward God, and just my surroundings in general (I hated people and myself, among other things…). “Why am I in this position?” I thought. “Why does nothing ever seem to go right?” But then, I kind of reflected upon my past thoughts in the last year or so.

I’d become very idolatrous.

This means that I’ve been “worshiping” idols– things, people, places, anything else– instead of the one, true God. Now, now, if you are going to retort back to me in your disbelief, please either 1.) Keep it to yourself. 2.) Let me know how you feel, though don’t expect to convince me.

I will now continue.

When there is something that I know I should be doing and do not do it, it comes back to haunt me. Anything, from drawing something I should be drawing, or helping someone in need, or even thinking a certain way I know I should–but don’t– think… it always catches up with me. (James 4:17) And in this past year of reflection, I’ve finally figured out why. Call it karma if you want; whatever it is, I call it divine retribution, or rebuking.  There is only so much you can do before it comes back to haunt you. If you’ve realized your mistakes, and don’t take the time to correct it, it will be even worse than if you didn’t realize it and were punished for it. (Luke 12:47-48) All in all, I knew that something was wrong; I knew I was idolizing things, but it never occurred to me how to change it, or that I needed to seek help. I thought it would go away all on its own. Not only that, I did not realize the depth of idol worship that I had been doing. I had become blinded by what I believed my idols would do for me– what I THOUGHT would make me “happy” once I got them. But, boy, was I fooled.

“Nana…how come being happy and making your dreams come true are two different things? Even now, I still don’t know why…” ~Nana Komatsu (Nana manga)

I feel like I’m beginning to understand it now… I don’t totally get it, but I’m beginning to understand.

They are just empty promises; promises grounded on sand rather than solid ground; promises that can break and shatter at any moment. Who ever promises that, with wealth, brings everlasting freedom, or that no one can ever take it away? Who ever promises that your “love”– that you devoted your entire life and heart to– will never fade into nothingness? How can we build our faith and happiness on our dreams, after all? Who says (for example), that even if I did sell a million comics (hypothetically), that I couldn’t lose as many fans that I’d gained just as quickly? You see it happening all around you, right? Stars and celebrities (even internet celebrities) that gain fame and lose it just as quickly– if not, quicker– than how they’ve obtained it. People driving themselves into starvation for the purpose of composing the “right” body image, and going mad when they find that it’s unattainable, unless by developing a permanent sickly status. (Well, eventually, you won’t be sickly. You will be dead.)

But isn’t that just like anything else though? Eventually, our cravings for these temporary, replaceable pleasures will only starve us, always leaving us wanting more, more MORE. It never satisfies; it never COMPLETELY takes away our unhappiness. In the dead of the night, in the minutes before breathing your last breath, will the worries of those even matter in the end? What will truly matter to you then? What you wore to your homecoming? What you ate for breakfast before ‘that’ big day? What dates you went on? Those– used to be believed– “unrecoverable”  bad days you used to have?

Life goes on, doesn’t it…? What should really matter? What about saying what you want to say; the stories that YOU want to say– despite the wanted recognition and/or monetary result that you want? What about helping to improve the life of another person? What about loving someone– your family, a stranger, your friends– here and now? What will really matter? (Loving God and others, of course!)

I know that people who don’t believe in God– or anything ‘solid’ and unchanging for that matter (except ‘change’, itself) will not understand, nor try to. Don’t worry; I do understand where you may be coming from. (I will never be able to completely understand, but I can see why you would not believe.) After all, people have been distorting God’s words in the bible, and using it for their own selfish purposes for years and years. The distortion is inevitable. However, we have the free will to choose what we want to believe. You wouldn’t want someone to love you out of compulsion anyway, would you? But I also believe in the basic facts and principles about this world.

Especially when I see this world in such chaos, it is very unsettling to think that God is just “letting” this happen. But, then again, I think about people’s free wills. If we didn’t have them, we would just be robots. WE have the choice to make the world a better, more richer place, OR we also have the choice to make it into a destructive, suicidal place. The choice is indeed ours, but we need to ACTIVELY EXERCISE the GOOD in us in order to rule out/even out the BAD in others. There is NO way to erase the darkness in the world without lighting a light. You can’t battle darkness with darkness!

Anyway… I will just say that in these unstable times, it truly is God who never changes. God is my rock. But how do I know? Maybe you think it’s because I’m crazy? Maybe you think it’s very stupid to believe in something/someone that is invisible (in the normal way we see anybody, anyway). But since everything we CAN see is temporary (just name it), I’d like to believe that what we cannot see is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18)

Faith is called faith for a reason though. Blind faith, I do not believe. I need reasons. But I see them when my eyes and ears are open to them. (Matthew 13:11-17) Otherwise, I feel the world is a dreadful, unhappy place. Again, we have a choice– to see the world in darkness or to see the world in light. If parts ARE dark, what will you do? Sit there and moan or mope about it? Or will you let your light shine onto it? If it is light, will you expose your own personal darkness onto it, thereby inevitably affecting someone else by your negative shadowed world? It is your choice.

Before I finish, I just want to say thank you to DBZchick again for her gift of generosity. I was feeling very down. Ready to give up; not really minding if I had died (Would anything be different for me then? But I would never commit suicide since I knew God does not like murderers…); but then someone’s light affected me. The simplest acts of kindness can often go unnoticed (by people), but even so, it can make a huge difference in the world. No matter what we do– whether it’s good or bad, the world will feel your light or darkness. It DOES affect everyone else, no matter how much of a small island you want to live on. It will not go unnoticed forever. If EVERYONE decided to constantly commit acts of kindness, how do you think the world would look? So I/we need to stop blaming God for “letting this happen”. WE are letting this happen!!

So if you DO want the world to become a better place, it’s about time to see what you can do to light it up, right? For every act of evil in the world, perhaps do an act of kindness. God does work many wonders THROUGH us too. We have a spirit with a conscience. In this bleak and dark-ridden world, it will remind people that there is “some good in this world, after all.” 🙂 And, boy, do we all need reminders…! 🙂

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“Rejection is Inevitable” and 12+ hours of reading Hana Yori Dango @_@

Renegadessidecol

Just some coloring practice! 🙂

So, I’ve stayed up just about 24+ hours now… the first part was spent drawing and eating, and the second (like 5:00am-6pm– that’s an estimate… I really don’t remember how long it was, OTL…) was spent re-reading Hana Yori Dango/ Boys Over Flowers vol. 23-36 (the end). …I really need a bigger bookcase (but I just ‘inherited’ one from a friend! Arggg!) Technically… I went to bed at like 6:30 pm last night, and took a three-hour nap, and woke up at 9pm-something… I’m strange…

Anyway, while reading it (that super-addictive, but really good manga), I realized something:

If I were Japanese, I’d probably be bald by now.

Why is this? Cutting your hair is a symbol of having a fresh beginning from unrequited love/rejection or heartbreak.
Though, I know it isn’t simply a Japanese/”Asian” custom to do this, it is usually found in mangas a lot… and I’d always been told NOT to cut my hair (though I’ve thought about it often.) It would make it more manageable for sure.

Regardless, if I did believe in that, the amount of times that I would need a ‘fresh start’ from rejection would be many. However, while reading the manga over– and thinking over some things the past month-ish– I realize that rejection is inevitable, and possibly necessary for getting what you really want. I was talking to a friend last week; she wants to publish a book that she wrote (super-long… very research-based, but still fiction). She’d been working on it years and years since 2003, and finally got it done recently… but now, she is getting “Cold Feet”, you might say, about sending it to publishers. And, me– who’s been rejected dozens of times from unrequited love, to comic submissions, to other jobs/interviews, to friendship/social circles, etc.– finally thought that I could help encourage someone with all of my “rejection experience.” I think I did cheer her up though! But, it’s up to her now… I will keep cheering her on though.

I just wanted to say to everyone (who actually reads this), that I’ve found that it really is a necessary step in reaching your dreams. Now, sometimes “getting what you want” doesn’t always mean that you’re guaranteed to be happy. Happiness comes from within, not from being “successful”. But, for those of you who DO feel like you were put on this earth to fulfill a dream that will help others, you should go for it! Continue to do it until your fingers/brain/ears bleed (or whatever you use for your talents/dreams)!! Sometimes, I think maybe God is testing us to see how much we want something. But even if it’s not a test, if it’s important to you, you shouldn’t just give it up so quickly/easily!! If you love doing it, then go for it!

I realize that there are 7,000,000,000+ people in this world right now… each with their own dreams and aspirations… maybe there are hundreds of thousands wanting to get a “job” or pursuing a dream just like yours. But you are the only one able to write your own unique story… in my case, there are mannnyyyyy people who can draw and write better than I can (comics-wise)… but… that doesn’t mean that I should give up, should it? There has to be someone out there who will be able to learn and be happy and appreciate what I wrote/drew, right? I’m the only one that can tell my stories my way, and the same goes for you too.

Of course… we can’t control people’s reactions to our creations; we can only make them and hope for the best. Just try your best so that you’ll have no regrets! And make it for yourself (and God) first (if you don’t like it, how can you expect others to like it?); make it to help others, secondly. People-pleasing is the first step to failure, because you are listening to others’ dreams for you and not following your own heart or direction. Helping others doesn’t have to turn into people-pleasing though (help people to help God); sometimes you just have to be honest about certain situations for the sake of truth (but in a kind, gentle, loving way).

But you know… all of the rejection CAN be disheartening after a while… I still don’t know why I keep on trying. But what is the alternative? To lay down and die? To wait until I croak? I have to do something! So, I just wanted to say… don’t let the fear stop you! I’d like to think there is a ‘right’ (not perfect) husband and job there for me… but there are some things you just can’t force. We never get there totally on our own power, anyway. God will choose when is the best time for everything… just keep trusting and keep trying. Show them that Tsukushi Makino weed-strength!! (Read HYD to find out more xD;)

Goodnight!!

Digital Manga.com, The Hunger Games, Atlantis and new art (sorta)

I have good news! I’ve been accepted to publish one of my comics on Digitalmanga.com/emanga.com!! Haha, it’s just “One-Shot!” though… but maybe I’ll try making other stories for them; I dunno. (But I think they only want completed titles!)

Speaking of ‘completed titles’, here’s a half-done illustration for a totally un-completed title, lol.

Rukiiandcosk

It’s actually more finished than this, but eh… I don’t like submitting almost-done things! hehe…
I semi-want to get started on a webcomic, but I don’t want it to end up as something unfinished again. Especially while I’m submitting my comics to all of these companies and contests… I might have the time. But, we’ll see.

P.S. I was told that I look like Rue. O_o
(XD)

I just finished watching “The Hunger Games” (and before that, “Atlantis”), and well…
Aren’t we all already participating in our own “Hunger Games”? Isn’t that whole movie a metaphor for what’s already going on in our society? (I’m supposing that’s sort of the point, but…) When you think about it, “society” really tries to hurt and compete with each other for “survival”, to make themselves look better (a brand or name), or to pit us against each other for the things they say that we need… but even the things that we really DO need (food), they ration it to us and sell it way over-priced, just to make a few extra bucks in their pockets (like oil). Also, I dislike how reality T.V. is (or, has turned into) just a big scene that glorifies one’s own sin for entertainment. Just like glorifying murder (in “The Hunger Games”), huh!

“Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.” ~1 John 3:15
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” ~Matthew 5:21-22

Are we really supposed to cheer on the “winner”? There is no real winner in that sort of “game.”
So, us hating one another is just one step away from actually murdering someone. In our hearts, we have already murdered them, or wished for it… Well, all I’ll say is that we need to be careful on who we are casting our ”hate” on.
Though, we should “hate what is evil” ;P lol (Romans 12:9- “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”) ((Not necessarily “who” is evil…! But, their evil behavior, right? The act/sin itself, right?))

[**Possible spoilers?**]

…Which brings me to Atlantis. It was an okay film. I’m not a pro film critic or anything, but I give it a B/B+… I cannot exactly say what was ‘wrong’ with it (maybe I will be able to if I think about it some more, or see it again– maybe the sometimes cheesy dialogue, lol), but that’s just how I felt on the matter. I did like the conflict between their love of money and supporting their friends. I suppose it’s a ‘realistic’-ish view on what might happen. Though, I’m disturbed by the love of money, itself.

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” ~Matthew 6:24

I wonder if they would have been okay with not getting anything in the end? I guess it was just kind of weird that they still got what they (selfishly) wanted, but at least it happened in the nicer way than simply stealing from the Atlanteans (<-huh? lol) who live there. 😛 Oh well… I liked the visuals and voices though! 😛 🙂